Deep Creek
Deep Creek
There are moments in life that will mold and shape you in ways that are unforgettable. Whether perceived as good or bad, we eventually realize, everything is just as it should be.
I’ve only been camping once in my entire adult life. It was the overbearing dictatorial conduct of a former friend, that was enough to ruin the idea of outdoor adventures for me permanently. I’d hoped to recreate the memory entirely so when Joss told me about her upcoming adventure to the sacred Hot Springs in celebration of Miko’s birthday, it took no convincing to get my commitment. I’d already planned a trip to Hawaii but decided, why not comeback in time for this nature excursion? After all, I was smack in the middle of my 5th and hopefully final attempt to get over Mike and in need of any distraction I could conjure.
He’d been taking up residence in my brain since mid-pandemic and I could see no upside after
we consummated the relationship in a long awaited, singular & anti-climactic union. It was six very long on-again off-again months, of hot and cold borderline, bipolar behavior, coupled with the occasional toss of breadcrumbs. His excuses ranged from fear of Covid to an almost ridiculous work schedule that never appeared to have any breaks, even after hours. Why would anyone so fearful of germs go on a dating site to meet someone in the first place, I wondered? Merely one in a sea of questions that tormented me, but somehow I always evaded prying. Maybe it was the realization that I had just turned forty five and this coupled with societies’s nagging reminders of my less than likely options were nearly enough to make me question every move. Here he stood, a poster child for the almost 50 eligible bachelor. Never married, no children, good looking, and obviously successful. He traveled consistently between his Chelsea New York Penthouse apartment with skyline views a designer decor and a a less flashy but sleek Hollywood high-rise condo overlooking the city. Everything he owned was simple but elegant and exclusive. He was unique in appearance, personality, and demeanor. Meticulous was his style, cleanliness, and taste but the carefully placed head-to-toe insect themed tattoo art had an air of hidden fear or insecurity that I could ever quite pinpoint. His cloak was dark, aloof, and cold and in the rare moments of vulnerability, he’d slip behind it quickly closing the door on even the slightest inkling of emotional connection, It often felt as if there would never be a second I could really see him or allow him to see me. The was something familiar in our interaction though that kept me constant in spite of the emotional void and from the beginning we settled into a type of symbiotic rhythm with not even so much as discussion. His dark avoidance drew me in almost instantly and before long my emotional investment was obvious.
He went from a slow progression of dinner dates and brief but steady communication to almost no effort at all. Perhaps he really is going to realize how wonderful I am someday I thought while carefully crafting a note inside his birthday card. It had been sitting in my top drawer along with a book I purchased on the “Aquarius”, for nearly three months. I had studied its chapters along
with articles and videos to try and understand this introverted, closed off I never knew what to get him but why did it matter? It isn’t as if he ever even so much as said thank you upon receipt. Seeing my value was more of a hopeful question than a belief and yet I waited diligently like rescue from from my own inner worth was plausible. That point never came of course and now, post sexual encounter, it was done. There was no way, I was going another minute into this year holding onto emptiness. Even the anticipated momentary sexual satisfaction that I had conned myself into awaiting was a joke.
It was midweek and we left early morning. Joss packed up enough food to feed a hungry Army for a week. While I slept, she stayed up most of the night in my kitchen, prepping what would be deemed the most epic spread anyone had ever seen at Deep Creek or any other campsite for that matter. She even baked a large blueberry cheesecake, which somehow arrived at the campsite fully intact along with the other large surplus of food. I trusted, since she’d taken this trip many times before, Joss knew exactly what was needed. I on the other hand, packed some basics, a tent i’d only used once at the beach, a sleeping bag, and some comfortable clothing. I had planned on getting that good pair of hiking boots the day before but thought, i’m sure it will be just fine & slipped on my very faded pink weathered puma sneakers.
The six of us piled into two vehicles and caravanned onto the highway eventually making our way through the winding treelined roads of Crestline’s mountains. We stopped to capture a photograph of small sunflowers growing in a cluster at a turnout. The day that began overcast and dreary, eventually evaporated into a clear blue sky with sprinkled clouds and by the time we hit the trail head, the sun warmed the the hilly path****. The trek would be 3.6 miles and quite difficult as a result of my shoe choice, along with heavily packed provisions. Luckily, we took several breaks between the steep paths along the way and sat to enjoy the view of the mountain range and desert sierra. Bright purple wild flowers grew in global clusters and we gathered these along with wild daisies and other flowers & sage along the way. Before arriving at the springs we made our way along a steep hillside with a winding downward sandy slope. It was apparently referred to as the “goat trail” due to its very narrow ledge. This area was dangerous and difficult and at one point I felt my feet sliding toward the ravine just before Joss grabbed my hand and pulled me up. When we arrived at the water later in the day, a sense of gratitude filled my soul and knew this trip would be exactly what I needed it to be.
The sun began to set quickly behind the mountain, and before long we were pitching our tents, starting the dinner fire, and unpacking the fabulous spread that Joss had worked so diligently to prepare. There was a wide assortment of cheeses from blu to brie and we coupled the items on a rustic cutting board with prosciutto, salami, and various cut fruit. For dinner, there was marinated
Korean ribs along with steak and salad. But the best part of the evening was the large homemade blueberry cheesecake which we adorned with a single sparkler to celebrate Miko’s birthday. By the time dinner was over, we all slowly migrated to the main hot pool in the middle of the oasis. we strung lights along the perimeter and kept a stash of refreshing ginger fruit infused drinks close by. I sat warm and cozy under steamy water, and took in the beautiful night sky and stars. I was reminded of a drive home only two months before from Point Dume. The moon was so big and bright it was as if you could reach out and grab it clear out of the sky with your hands. I texted Mike in my moment wanting to share that fantastic and beautiful moment, but sadly he seemed uninterested, as he text from his bed. How could I have been so invested in a man who couldn’t appreciate the simplicities of life. I sat among my new found friends, Miko, Dom, Tess, and Ryan. Listening intently, as we conversed about mutual interests, spirituality, art and music.There was a genuine curiosity in my contribution to the conversations as well my creative endeavors. I realized in the moment I was truly felt heard. There was no dismissive expression as Mike had done time and time again. Never asking a single question about my projects, work, or even my dreams. When I’d gathered enough gumption to share a pastel portrait I’d finished of him, it was brushed to the side like so many conversations before. I pondered my intention in the matter while leaning into the mossy rocks behind me and extending my feet toward the jetting flow of hot water from the spring. In spite of these revelations, my heart was full.
I slept alone in the tent that evening as the others were paired up by twos. It was cold and the ground was quite hard under the thin made-for-warm-weather sleeping bag, I had poorly chosen. I realized I was no where near as prepared as I should have been and made a mental note to research my camping needs for next time. I lay in deep thought and eventually grabbed my journal and pen wanting to write some great revelation but still feeling quite lost. As I opened the pages a photo of Mike fell out and I looked intently at the image as if there would be a sign or some reason for this encounter. Nothing came to mind and eventually I fell asleep for just a few hours.
The morning was cold but tranquil as I stepped out of the tent onto the sand. We began the
morning with another incredible meal of french toast, fried eggs, and corn beef hash. After boiling some hot water we all partook in drinking another batch of mushroom tea which I chased down with small sip of LSD infused water. Little by little, the plants became more vibrant in color and I could see the harmony within nature at every corner of the compound. Even the dried mushrooms seemed to have some kind of specific beauty that I had never noticed before. I sat on a rock and watched a group of gnats flying together as if they were communicating pleasantly and calmly. The trees whispered in the wind while a Blue Jay watched us from one of the branches. A sense of calm followed by intense emotion overtook me and I began to cry tears of joy and also deep pain that needed release. I though about all the love surrounding me in just the few hours I was at the creek. There were newfound friendships and a bounty of nature and wonder. but the biggest gift was the realization of my own life and contributions.
I thought about who I could share this spiritual place with and realized that some people could never fully appreciate the blessings of the creek. There would always be the complainer, the
Naysayer, the helpless & unappreciative. Much like the passing traveler who carelessly leaves bags of trash, broken bottles, & no regard for this gift of serenity. Similarly, there are those passing moments in life where people will fail to see our beauty, value and contributions. But in the end there is no truth to their assessment which comes only from a clouded perception. Perhaps the same cloud that causes us to convince ourselves that these people hold some elevated importance.
The day rolled along slowly & by the time we packed up our gear, it was nearly 9:30pm. Though we had eaten much of the food, there was still quite a bit to carry back. At one point Joss fell and twisted her ankle which slowed down our return considerably. When we finally arrived to our parked cars at 2 am exhausted and weak. A thick layer of fog had covered the mountain side after sundown & I gripped my steering wheel maneuvering down the winded narrow road to a main highway.
Upon returning home, clarity that had been absent for months descended upon me like a peaceful blanket. Though the slight angst of disappointment for my so-called failed relationship seemed to linger, I knew it was merely my ego trying to justify the search for explanation. There was only so much I could have done and truly I’d already given this excessive energy. I looked back on all our correspondence confirming the lack of substance and effort. Slowly, I began to detach completely.
A couple weeks later my curiosity came back and I decided to take a peek at one of his social media accts. while anonymously perusing his latest story, I discovered a woman he had been spending time with for several months. The rabbit hole got deeper and eventually I confirmed his germaphobe excuses were actually a cover for something a bit more significant. My head instantly warmed with intense heat and my heart felt as if it would beat right out of my chest while dialing his number. He sent my call to voicemail and asked if he could call me back after his work call. I couldn’t wait a minute more. How could he lie this entire time? I was angry, hurt, but most of all embarrassed. I had allowed this non committal situation to continue. my hands trembled as I answered the return call. I quickly blurted out my discovery and was met angry denial and a swift hangup. I send a few follow up texts to assure him that I truly did have all the proof needed. He said he was done talking but proceeded to read every single text.
within the next few days my anger subsided and I planned another day at the creek with my daughter. This time I took a different route from Apple Valley and only brought provisions for the day trip. To my surprise, the alternative route was nearly a mile shorter and much less treacherous. When we rounded the last hillside, only 45 minutes into the hike, I saw water flowing below and was almost in disbelief. How is it possible that we could have made it so quickly? We arrived to the original campsite to find the place packed with people on all side of the springs. It was almost as if the magic I’d seen only weeks before was gone. There were loud groups and even children playing near the fish. It was strange how the energy of the surroundings could be so different according to who was present. I felt as though the Creek was once again a mirror giving me clear lessons of my own life. Often times we view life in a specific way based
on a single event or person but like the cycles of nature, life pushes forward even after natural disasters. Somedays the water is high and sometimes it’s low and there are days of uncomfortable & unpredictable weather. Eventually however, things return to normal and past seasons are forgotten. The trail we took was far easier than my original trip to the creek but I also realized that some may not appreciate this place having taken this shorter, easier route. Maybe that is the lesson I needed to learn during this short season of life. There could be easier pathways but how could we discover or appreciate them without some challenges along the way? I had given the sanctuary away without so much as a Maybe the time I’d spent with this man wasn’t a waste after all. I’d learned some deep internal lessons, while also discovering my value in the process.
